There is presently, significant amount of clients that have experienced ghosting in some way or another. Therefore, I have an urge to write about it and set some universal construction which happens to all of them.
For better understanding this text, let say that you (the reader) have been ghosted by someone.
First of all let’s define what ghosting IS NOT:
- It is not when someone breaks up with you.
- It’s not when friendship is terminated from this or that reason.
- It is not when you didn’t hear from someone for a long period of time.
- It is not when both sides are agreed that you need to separate
- It is not when someone IS communicated her/his disappointments about connection. (so person actually told you her/his feelings and opinions but you just do not accept it, do not understand and ignore it. And maybe after long period of informing you that person decided to leave you or disconnect with you. That’s perfectly fine)
- It is not when you just met someone and after couple of messaging you do not communicate any more.
But if you:
-Established a long term connection with someone either in friendship, relationship or in business
-Are entangled with that person, you have some flow of your friendship/relationship/business dynamic
-When you think and feel all is good between two of you
AND IF THAT PERSON:
-didn’t tell you what is wrong, or what bothers him/her in your connection
-just vanish
-Do not answer to your messages or calls all the sudden
-When someone leaves without any explanation or word why he/she did it
WHAT IS it ALL ABOUT?
In this internet and social media era, people get FALSE IMPRESSION that there is huge amount of suitable people for whatever (friendship/relationship/business), so why bother with someone you do not want – an easy way is just to switch to anybody else who is there! This is so called CONSUMERISM MINDSET, where is false belief that you can shop for anything, for somebody, for a lover, for an employer, etc. With all those virtually available people out there, person start to lose their value, and they become just a number easily replaced. That’s the illusion widely accepted. On the other side, people start to lose their own accountability for why a connection may not be working. They don’t really realize that connections maybe not be working out because of things that they PERSONALY ARE DOING.
The real true friendship/relationship/business compatibility is not there around the corner and you cannot make any person fits you. So, usually those people end up circling from one person to another, creating shallow connections, easy to fly away easy to switch to someone next. They just hope that the next person will be good for them, and could go like that for years. Very sad…social media are just an ILLUSION, perfect pictures, marvelous lives which do not exist. Takes time to really know each other and to establish a strong bond between two people.
PERSONALITY TYPE OF GHOSTERS – blueprint
They have a high opinion about themselves paradoxically. They usually think about themselves as honest and straightforward people?! Yet they ghosted someone. They have their own reason why they are doing it, and they ghosted you willingly and consciously. SO, they choose to act like that. In their mind they are doing the best thing for them. They typically do not think at all about the impact that it has on you. Egocentric? Narcist? Selfish? You name it. There is undoubtedly LACK OF EMPATHY.
So, first of all you need to be clear with this: that person, who ghosted you, did that deliberately and willingly. Nobody kind of forgets to call you back, but they ARE CHOOSING THIS BEHAVIOR. THEY MADE THE DECISION. IT IS THEIR silent treatment and it is very CRUEL treatment to do. So, be aware of that – this is who that person really is. (Mean person?)
Those people are also in some way not really honest about their feelings. So definitely they are not honest and open towards you from some reason. (Wearing masks?)
Also, they ghosted you because they didn’t want to deal with your emotional reaction, so lack of responsibility and maturity.
If you are not in the same cultural and social circle it is much easier to just ghosts somebody and not to deal with that subject anymore. Nobody would ask you about it! (Lazy person?)
GHOSTING IMPACT ON YOU?
When someone ghosted you, you literally have no idea what happened to them.
Because of that you felt: disposable, used, humiliated, ashamed, angry, not grasping how somebody could do this to you, devastating, obsessed. This is a strong trauma. Every trauma needs to be resolved and released.
Scientific research has shown that social rejection like ghosting could cause real physical pain in you, same level of pain like certain injuries in the body could create. So, there is beside mind blowing due to ghosting, also that physical and emotional part. Which is why it takes time for people to heal and move on from there.
You could have also hidden desire to just numb yourself so be aware of that.
Another trap here is to shut down emotionally, and to become indifference because in that case you become one of the ghosters accepting that behavior as “new normal.”
You indeed have to make deliberate effort to say – I want to be kind and respectful to others. And if you find yourself in a situation where now someone doesn’t fit you to just have dissent curtesy and say in one sentence that you appreciate your cooperation until now but that it won’t work. In that way you provide for the other person profound help, because it allows to them to comprehend what is going on, like what happened. So, just be kind and explain yourself and that is enough.
HOW TO MOVE ON FROM THAT TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE?
In first days of this experience just DO NOTHING. Overcome that desire to contact that person over and over in order to interpret what happened. It is the most destructive thing to do. One or two messages is ok, but no more.
In whichever way you can, accept that decision of the person who ghosted you. Take a step back and really realize that person has making deliberate choice. They think they made the right choice and by you constantly contacting them after that, they may get thinking that you do not respect their choice and could be even more violent. It is better to just take step back.
Do not justify ghosting. It is unacceptable behavior. No excuses.
Surround yourself with people who do love you and respect you as a support.
Realize this person is not the best for you obviously when he/she could act like that.
In the future choose people who are more opened, honest, mature and kind.
Value and love yourself more!
Trust your instincts. They were for sure many red flags that you overlooked. So, start to believe yourself more! Pay attention on your emotional responses of how someone treated you. It is important!
It is very important to know and honor your own dynamic in the connection, that you really know what you bring to the table. Also, to know your own boundaries, expectations, etc.
